No Rhubarb!

And we're back! Minor league baseball is back and No Rhubarb! is your guide to all things odd and wacky and oftentimes frightening. Tonight we spotlight the West Michigan Whitecaps. This isn't the first time we've checked up on the Whitecaps, as they were the geniuses who came up with Star Wars-themed jerseys. This is a very nice franchise, with a sparkling ballpark, slick uniforms and Kansas concerts.

And of course, they have mascots. Not actual Whitecaps of course, as the 'caps cresting wave logo would be impossible as a mascot. West Michigan features two. The first is Crash the River Rascal. What is a river rascal? Some kind of otter apparently.

The second mascot is Franky the Swimming Pig. Looks more like Franky the Malnourished Pink Nightmare, but neither mascot is all that offensive. If not for the mascots, just why would we be checking on the West Michigan Whitecaps. Just what is so frightening about this club? Why this of course: This monstrosity is the Fifth Third Burger: 4 pounds, 4,800 calories. Five beef patties, five slices of American cheese, a full pound of sesame-seed bun, chili, salsa, nacho cheese, sour cream and fritos. Seriously, fritos. Just under 2 pounds of beef alone. Terrifying, ain't it? If you have the courage to, this story from Michigan Live goes into more detail and instructions about how to make the damned thing.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we suddenly need a salad.