No Rhubarb!

World famous athletes. Animals. Giant inflatable suits.

You have any idea where this could be going?

We are speeding past Rhubarb. We're leaving the bizarre world of giant rodents behind. We're heading down the interstate and the horror that is Rusty is two exits back We are going to ZOOPERSTARS.

What, pray tell, are Zooperstars? One part athlete, one part animal-based pun, one part giant inflatable head, and about a billion parts scary. To wit:

Ken Giraffy Jr.

Cow Ripkin, Jr.

Nomar Garciaparrot.

Monkey Mantle.

Monkey Mantle?!

The absolute nadir of Zooperstars is what they have done with Ichiro Suzuki. Ichiro, beloved on two continents, one of the most charismatic athletes in the world today, the only man who could say things like this:

I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger

and still be taken seriously. What does the-bad-acid-trip-meets-ESPN Classic crime against nature known as Zooperstars do with this man?

They turn him into a cockroach.


Photo courtesy of Zooperstars
This is Ichiroach Suzuki. Note the vaguely Asian features of the humanoid insect, that may be our very favorite part.

Now, what could possibly top this? What could be the cherry on top of this terror and butterscotch sundae?

The Zooperstars are coming to Tacoma.

We say again : the Zooperstars are coming to Tacoma! The first of June and the fourth of August will see these abominations appearing at Cheney Stadium. A harmless promotion? Or the beginning of an invasion? Can you see it? Rhubarb and his giant unblinking eyes leading a veritable army of mascots against our poor city?

No. The time has come to take up arms and defend our homes, oh Men of Tacoma. The great horde of demon creatures is coming and we must be ready. These things are inflatable, so we are buying all the pitchforks we can find. We suggest you do the same.